I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
