Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
