im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
