I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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