I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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