now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
