hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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