dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
