His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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