my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
