The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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