I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
