Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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