Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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