Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
