My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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