I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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