oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
