I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
