i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
