You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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