I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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