I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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