The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
