just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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