I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
