My friends, they love my intelligence
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
