I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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