apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
