Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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