would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize