At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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