After last night, I could never be a politician.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
