Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
