I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
