I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
