Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
