The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
