OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
