please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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