I just threw up on my dentist
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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