I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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