3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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