that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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