i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
