I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you inspire me to be a worse person
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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