I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
