This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
