I just made out with a guy for $7.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
