By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
