Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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