Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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