I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
