I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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