First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
