Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We named our party play list daddy issues
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
